2004-01-18 - 9:48 a.m. in search of extremes "Yeah well, the extreme always seems to make an impression." -- Jason Dean to Veronica Sawyer, Heathers I've been dabbling in incremental change for a year and a half now. Post-divorce, which was clearly a life-altering, capital "C" change, I've been drifting along through my days, trying to figure out "What's next?" Now that the deck of cards representing my options in life has been reshuffled, what game do I want to play? The new job and dating the boy were only small-scale changes. I certainly thought they'd be big enough to cure me of the lingering restlessness, to help tame the wanderlust. But it just hasn't worked out that way. Part of it is I've lived in this beautiful City for almost 10 years now, 8 of those years in this apartment. I know I need a change of scenery, but am unwilling to spend half my monthly paycheck on a smaller apartment than the one I have now, so I stay here. Entombed in a beautiful, spacious apartment that remains haunted with the memories (and furniture placements) of my ex. Sometime last year, I changed most of the artwork on my walls, putting up photos from my NYC visits. I also moved around every kitchen item to firmly put my stamp on the space I most associate with my ex. But these small yet loaded with meaning changes didn't make enough of a difference. This puts me back where I started two years ago. I need to commit fully to being here, and to figuring out what it will take to make me happy here (buy a loft? return to poverty and journalism?), or I need to seriously consider moving to NYC. Yes, the freezing cold winters and the sweltering, sweaty-hot Summers sound too horrible for words, but a girl can't make all her life decisions based on weather. I can either continue to sit on this sofa, or in my cube at work, thinking every day how I am drifting, I am lost, or I can do something about it. I just wish I knew what it was that's causing my to be so cautious. Why I haven't I been able to put my thoughts into actions? What is it that's keeping me tied to this place and this routine? I'm the same girl that packed up and went away to college a 2 hour plane ride and 9 hour drive from home, and who, after those 4 years of college, packed up and moved to a City I had loved since I was a little girl, and where I knew one person I ended up almost never seeing. I know I can do it all again... if only the energy and the drive will return. any comments? (0 so far) previous - next recently on almostgoldsf... in defense of an email box I came to do battle with SPAM - 2008-05-17 hello 2006 - 2005-12-31 Happy Thanksgiving - 2005-11-14 bon voyage - 2005-11-05 October already? - 2005-10-09