2003-09-06 - 12:28 p.m. she's lost control again This morning was overcast, with big puffy light and dark clouds, with rays of sunshine streaming through. I could have sat on the dock staring at the light glinting off the water and the Bay Bridge all morning... While I sat and sipped my vanilla latte from the farmers' market coffee stand, and digested my pulled pork and fried hardboiled egg on crispy tortillas from Primavera, I reflected on the girl I used to be. A girl all the people who've known me since college days still think I am. My friend M reminds me I was fearless, outgoing, and always causing interesting and fun things to happen. The me she remembers is the one who marched up to Dave Vanian at Iguanas in Tijuana, extended her hand and introduced herself, proceeding to chat with him until they took the stage. She remembers a me who always got what (or who) she wanted. My friend B reminds me I loved everyone, and had a contagious enjoyment of life. He remembers me as that girl who kissed everyone (girls and boys) hello. The girl who held your hand and skipped down the street with you. The girl who could make the crabbiest record store customer laugh. My friend S reminds me I thought I could go anywhere, do anything, be anyone I wanted. He remembers the girl who was always engaging in adventures that would be excellent fodder for her writing. The girl whose dream was to be a full-time magazine writer, and who seemed to have everything lined up to make that happen. The girl most likely to be sipping free champagne at an event she certainly didn't pay to attend (and wasn;t even old enough to get into). But what they don't know, is the veneer may still appear the same, but the interior landscape has changed. Somewhere over the past 7 years though, that girl got worn down by this City. She stopped writing. She stopped viewing the world as her oyster. She stopped flirting with cute musician boys. She stopped trying. She started to be afraid of things not working out. Of promises not being kept. Of putting herself out there and getting her feelings hurt, her heart broken. Over the past year, this girl has still been in a bit of a holding pattern, not making much of an attempt to jump back in with both feet. She's stuck her toe in up to the shimmering plum and green-painted toenail...but she can't commit to going any farther. But she needs to. She needs to send out a query letter. She needs to find a new job. She needs to close the deal when she's flirting with a cute boy. She needs to stop running away from life. any comments? (4 so far) previous - next recently on almostgoldsf... in defense of an email box I came to do battle with SPAM - 2008-05-17 hello 2006 - 2005-12-31 Happy Thanksgiving - 2005-11-14 bon voyage - 2005-11-05 October already? - 2005-10-09