2005-08-02 - 8:00 p.m. birthdays For a long time, this was my secret diary. And then I became friends with some of the folks reading this journal, and told some longtime friends about it, and then it became more public...but at some point, because my LJ has been so active, folks I actually personally know thought this journal was defunct and stopped reading it (yes, I totally read my stats logs and know which ones correspond to which friend slacking off at work or home). So, in many ways, this has gone back to being my secret diary. Which is nice. Anyway, my birthday is Sunday. Normally, my birthday is my favorite day of the year because it is, by definition, a celebration of me. In years past I have organized dinners at slow foodie restaurants, film nights at SFMOMA or the Castro, and other big group activities that are often the only big friend get togethers that I organize formally over the course of a year (I hate small talk so I'm not really a party girl.) This year though...well, I'm just not feeling it. Many, no, MOST of my long time friends have been super flakey and self-involved over the past few months. There's been lots of unreturned emails, too many folks who've never met the boy, and too much lack of interest. I hate to throw up my hands and throw in the towel on some of these friendships, but without reciprocity you don;t have a friendship. And right now, I am seeing a lack of reciprocity all around. We are all so busy, 'tis true. But when you never get an email response in less than a few weeks, you start to feel less than insignificant in someone's life. Ditto for when they can't be bothered to reply yea or nea to an invitaiton to your after-birthday housewarming party. Flakiness and lack of caring are traits one expects from acquaintances (even those who whine about such behavior in others); it always hurts when it's coming from friends. Perhaps the best (or do I mean worst?) example is the friend who flaked on plans to take me out to dinner for my birthday... due to a potential booty call from a man who has treated her poorly. A day later, after the dust settled and she talked with him, she wants to hang out after all. But the dmaage is done for me on this. I'm not up for being second choice, and already flaked on on my birthday weekend. Last night after work, I lay on our bed talking with my boy about how disappointed I feel. I don't have family -- my friends are my family. So having them flame out spectacularly is disappointing. I try to go out of my way with my friends -- being supportive and positive and helpful in good tiems and bad... and I'm sad that they are not here with me now, celebrating my happiness. When I compare where I am in my head and my heart right now, as copared to last year, I am grateful for how lucky I have been overall. But I am sad that so many people I love can make time in their lives for so many other things, but not for our friendship. That breaks my heart. And thus, this year, I have not planned a group event to celebrate my birthday. The boy is taking me out someplace special on my birthday that will allow me to dress up al girlie which makes me happy. And I am seeing my friend V at some point the day before. And that's it. No one else has bothered to make plans with me. Quite a contrast from the years where my birthday week was celebrated and I gained a few pounds from all the eating out. I am trying to get over it, but right now, the disappointment is choking me. from "The Hours", by Michael Cunningham, which I am reading today : These days, Clarissa believes, you measure people first by their kindness and their capacity for devotion. You get tired, sometimes, of wit and intellect; everybody�s little display of genius. any comments? (6 so far) previous - next recently on almostgoldsf... in defense of an email box I came to do battle with SPAM - 2008-05-17 hello 2006 - 2005-12-31 Happy Thanksgiving - 2005-11-14 bon voyage - 2005-11-05 October already? - 2005-10-09