2002-08-23 - 7:30 p.m. radio cure... I think I may have let myself fall in love for a day. Perhaps it was even for an entire weekend, or even the duration of a vacation. But, really, I was in love with the moment. In the moment. In love with life. In love with a boy. My strongest impulse is always to do what I do best: run away! It works thusly... Find a boy. Any cute boy will do. Flirt with him madly. Share sweet kisses with him. Then run away again...refresh, then repeat. The boy with the JAMC fetish at Amoeba would have been a good place to start...but I couldn't close the deal even though it was being handed over on that much-abused silver platter -- I walked away before I got in over my head. It's so hard to stop, take a deep breath, and plunge headfirst into love. I want to soak in it like a bubble bath, not getting out 'till the water's cold and my skin's all wrinkled...but I fear there are sharks lurking at the deep end of the tub...or at least some unpleasantly sharp thistles. For the record, I haven't been drinking, only thinking. Perhaps later I shall allow myself to wallow... Stress at work due to impending doom of layoffs and the resulting low morale and slackerism has been making me sick to my stomach and nearly unable to eat. This disruption in my digestion has resulted in caffeine having a suped-up effect on me, as are my eating my typical massive protein and carb feasts (you know -- bacon egg and cheese bagels, chicken tikka massala and garlic naan, etc.)... All week, I've been sassy and sharp-witted, slinging out the double-entendres and smart ass remarks without thinking, as though I was on some HBO office sitcom written by Joss Whedon. When your fate is not in your hands, and the phrase "what are they going to do? Fire me?" becomes a source of easy laughter amongst your coworkers, these things happen... I've recently fallen in love with "radio cure" by Wilco. I hear this song in my head when I daydream on the bus as it carries me to work in the morning. Such beautiful words. Words that make me want to hold on tight and deliver soft, sweet kisses to those warm, insistent lips..."but distance has no way of making love understandable..." Yeah, I've been distracted. Planning out escape routes is time consuming, even if you're a travel fiend (or a well-traveled fiend.) Anticipating disappointment takes up valuable headspace and alone time. Building up walls to protect yourself from being hurt takes up resources better stacked up against more creative endeavors. I'm giving it all up. No more fear. No more hiding -- not from love, and not from life. End of that topic for today at least. I truly enjoyed bobbing my head to Joy Division tunes at 24-Hour Party People this week... it reminded me of course that although I finally saw one of the bands I'd always regretted not having seen (Bauhaus), there's one favorite I'll never have the chance to experience for myself...the movie was a lot of fun, and the scene with Shaun Ryder licking the methadone up off the ground at the airport almost made me vomit from laughing, mostly because it made me think of some folks from college who I could easily imagine having reacted in the same manner... The 30-somethings with all the rustling bags sitting in front of us made a hasty exit after the scene on the happy Mondays' tour bus that featured lots of nekkid grrrls and blow. (of course this last sentence means I'll be getting lots of lovely google results...last week's google surprise was the person hunting for a certain former 120 minutes VJ...who'd thought anyone was still interested?) Clearly these easily offended folks had wandered into the theater by mistake...reminds me of the folks who walked out of Twin Peaks Fire Walk With Me when I saw it in San Diego on opening night...you sometimes wonder why it is, exactly, that people have chosen to come see a film that so easily offends them and causes them to walk out. Personally, I sit all the way through even the most horrible films, just to see if there is any redeeming quality/scene/idea I can take away from it. Sometimes, the horribleness of the film can even be an end into an of itself. But I digress. This film was a good time. And I needed a good time to lift the cloud of darkness my workplace keeps pushing out over my head... P.S. New mix-tape. any comments? (2 so far) previous - next recently on almostgoldsf... in defense of an email box I came to do battle with SPAM - 2008-05-17 hello 2006 - 2005-12-31 Happy Thanksgiving - 2005-11-14 bon voyage - 2005-11-05 October already? - 2005-10-09